The Importance Of Cultural Healing Spaces. I am so grateful for those who create spaces for melanited /melanated people to heal. Melanated healing spaces are so important, and it is equally important to support melanated healing spaces. I feel if melanated people went through the trauma by ourselves we should be able and will continue […]
Sista, Watch For The Hook — SISTA, WATCH FOR THE HOOK
Category: Women, Healing,Hip-Hop, Melanated Therapy, Melanated Healing,
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Sky’s The Limit and Childhood Bullying Pt.2
One of my most favorite Biggie videos is” Sky Is The Limit.”
I remember the first time I saw the video in my “formative” years how I was so fascinated at the creativity of the video.
Whoever came up with the video concept kudos.
Growing up, that song got me through a lot of hard times.
Now, as I have gotten older, the song still gets me through but I’m seeing the video from a different lens now.
I’m looking through the lens asking what if the concept of the video was Biggie talking about his inner child but just with a hip hop twist?
You know, that Flava In Ya Ear.
When Biggie spit the lyrics out:
“Uh, an n- never been as broke as me, I like that
When I was young, I had two pair of Lee’s, besides that
The pin stripes and the gray (uh-huh)
The one I wore on Mondays and Wednesdays (uh)
While n- flirt, I’m sewing tigers on my shirt
And alligators (uh)”It made me think about how there are children who have grown up being made fun of because of their clothing.
It made me think about how sometimes we as adults judge others as far as the way they dress or what we perceive as being “flashy”, instead of looking at it like Biggie did when he said, “he went from ashy to classy”.
To me Biggie was addressing childhood bullying from a clothing perspective. As we all know childhood bullying can come in many forms.
One of the interesting things about Biggies, “Sky’s The Limit” video was how instead of adults in the video there were little kid’s in the video kinda like fun size versions of adult candy.
However, as I look deeper, I wonder if it’s like that in real life.
Like I wonder if we as adults really are like the fun size kids in Biggie’s video.
Doing adult things just trying to make it through this life and “Get Money”.
What you say uh…
I say it’s something to think about.
Let’s dive a little deeper though.
Let’s have that separate conversation that needs to be had.
That conversation about child hood bullying in the black community.
I’ve noticed that if we continue to not have this separate conversation, it comes out in insidious ways.
I’ve seen the insidious ways it plays out such as
On platforms where you have males giving advice to women particularly Black women on what they should do.
However, these type of males are not even attempting to do the inner healing work within themselves first.
Then possibly giving advice to Black women except this time from a healed space.
I have seen it play out where you have males that are upset about decisions they have made in their youth and must pay child support or alimony and are upset at women yet will create cashapps and accept money from the same women they spew hatred towards. MESSAGE (In my Keenen Ivory Wayans voice)
I’ve seen it play out where sometimes because of certain church upbringings that teach black women they should listen to males just because they are males also plays a part in how some of these male platforms messages are maintained.
At least for now.
I’ve seen it play out where young black girls are made fun of by young black boys and either the young girls fight back or internalize the hurt and pain sometimes both.
I’ve seen how males of ill-intentioned platforms are like those young boys who make fun of the young girls and make them cry.
I see how the young girl in search of healing her inner child calls these type of platforms perhaps trying to heal the young girl that was hurt only to be hurt further until she realizes she has to go within.
The males on these ill-intentioned platforms can’t help… they hurting too.
If you really peer in, you realize they don’t have a clue you can always tell by the words they spew.
Unfortunately, this sets the stage.
They not feeling the Frankie, Beverly N Maze.
They even hate watching School Daze.
They can’t relate when Black people say hey, remember back in the day?
All they can remember is being called lame.
It can get to a point where if certain black people don’t feel welcome in their own community/ culture, they will seek out other community/cultures and used as a mouthpiece for other cultures who have ill-intentions.
It’s almost like the beginning stages of a trauma bond where the black person who doesn’t feel welcome in his/her own community feels separated and begins to develop friendships with certain types of Caucasians and they bond with each other out of both parties having a disdain for Black people.
Yes, even if a Black person is black in certain type of dynamics Caucasians will tell certain Black people they are “cool ” because they are not like the “other” Blacks.
In a way this gives the black person who has been hurt by their own community a kind of acceptance that they have been seeking.
Certain people play on that.
Eventually, this plays out in different scenarios work, church and in some spiritual communities.
That is why when individuals bring up race conversations in certain settings you have certain types of Black people that seem to take on the same talking points of certain Caucasians who want to hide behind the (in my Rick James voice) ” UNITY” banner.
Sometimes, when Black people jump behind these movements without addressing the core issue of how they were or are being treated in the Black community, they end up getting more traumatized by the “unity” community due to core issues not being addressed.
One of those core issues is childhood bullying.
However, I’m not going to just put trauma bonding on the “unity” community.
I’ve observed it played out on television as well.
One thing that I love about sitcoms is how sitcoms have an ability to tell a person’s story.
I know by now some people are tired of hearing about the Oscars however, as I have stated before it is a lot to unpack.
I know that with unpacking it can be daunting but at the end it’s worth it. Why? It makes room.
So let’s make room…but this time for healing.
If you have been reading my past posts, you know I spoke on compassion and applying that within ourselves as well as in the Black community.
So here goes…
Back in the day, I used to love watching the show “Everybody, Hates Chris”. Interesting title right?
However, what if that really was the case?
What if the character Chris really felt like that?
I remember watching the episodes with Chris and Malo and the dude that was always asking him for a dolla lol.
Side note: No, I haven’t forgotten about Joey, or Greg who always took off running when shit got real.. as you see in videos with Black teenagers and some of their Caucasian friends.
But anyway.. back to the separate conversation lol.
I remember watching “Everybody, Hates Chris” and I remember Keisha who was Chris’s childhood crush.
At this point I was wondering is it a possibility that the reason certain individuals in the black community “jokes” and certain platforms towards black people comes across as disdain is coming out of a place of hurt and pain because they never felt fully accepted by the Black community so they settle off of the financial gain off of Black pain?
I’ve also noticed this same type of behavior from Wendy Williams.
When I used to watch her show, I would notice how it seemed her disposition and interview style of questioning would change when she was interviewing Melanated women versus when she would interview White females.
I would hear her talk from time to time about her childhood and dealing with childhood obesity and I wonder if maybe she too was bullied as a child which might be one of the reasons why it comes across as if she has a disdain for the Black community.
I’m not saying I’m right, just offering a different perspective.
Since, we are talking about perspective I can see why certain people would wonder why I would reference Biggie after the rap lyrics he said about the amazingly talented group Xscape.
To that, I definitely can understand your point.
However, I am also learning that people go through different life experiences that can cause them to relate to different musical artists in different ways.
So maybe the sky isn’t the limit…..maybe just maybe it’s a mindset….
That is if your mind isn’t set.
Written and Conceived By:
DaSh’e
1313
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Sky’s The Limit and Childhood Bullying Pt.1
One thing that I notice while having the “hard” conversations is how easy it is for the conversation to derail.
I notice that sometimes; the conversation is derailed on purpose sometimes it is not.
I’m also learning that it is important if we as a society truly want long-lasting transformation we have to learn how to address certain conversations separately.
I notice whenever Black people are trying to process racism and the way Caucasians have played their part in causing trauma somehow someway SOMEBODY (in my Jesse Jackson voice) yells out, “What about the black people?”… I’m debating if I want to use a Blazing Saddles reference.
So in the mean time I’ll leave that up to the reader..
Anyway, back to the initial conversation..lol
They then begin to name the situations that have been done to them by people that look like them.
They even quote Ms. Zora Neale Hurston “All my skinfolk ain’t kinfolk” or the edited version “All skinfolk ain’t kinfolk”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I can acknowledge that for some black people that is true.
However, I do feel that if the intention is to truly heal and we are being authentic in the process, we have to get to the root of a situation; to do this, it is important to do it layer by layer.
This also applies to conversations as well.
So, to me that means if Black people are processing and addressing Caucasians and their behavior and the harm they have caused it is important to separate that conversation from the “kinfolk” conversation.
Now please stay in context with what I am communicating.
The “kinfolk” conversation is no more or no less important… If anything in the bigger scheme of things it is another part of the healing process.
It is so much part of the healing process it deserves to have a conversation.
Separately.
Written and Conceived By:
DaSh’e
1313
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Emotions Make You Cry Sometimes…
There are those that are still wondering why certain people are still talking about the Oscars.
I get it; it is so multi-layered and so much still to unpack because of certain types of impacts.
Sometimes in life if things are not initially addressed it will come back in another form or another scenario.
Sometimes both.
It’s very interesting to see how when certain events happen, if you allow yourself to, you begin to see how people truly feel.
I have had encounters as well as observed how certain cultures love to point fingers at Black Americans and speak on what “we” as Black Americans need to do, they act as if Black Americans are the scapegoats of society.
It’s amazing how certain outside cultures love to speak on Black communities and aspects of Black cultures and even publicly attempt to “chastise” Black Americans but never seem to address things within their own culture or community……. at least publicly.
Which, is one of many things I appreciate about the Black community, my people, my community and my culture we are not afraid to hold ourselves accountable even if that is through platforms, panel discussions, or speaking engagements.
I’ve observed that we are so willing to hold ourselves accountable we even invite other cultures sometimes the same one’s who have inflicted harm to sit in on the discussions to the point where they think they can lead the discussions.
Certain white people are so bold where they will come in to our discussions and engagements and take the information they have gathered and put thier name on it and go make money off of the intellectual property of melanated people. Hey ya’ll 🙂
Don’t believe me just watch….
I’ve even observed where there are some black people who will give tough love to themselves while giving other cultures unconditional love.
Of course with all things it’s important to have balance.
It is imperative to bring that back.
I think that is one of the many reasons when the broadcast scenario between Will Smith and Chris Rock took place it brought forth a lot of emotions and reactions.
Even, some words that were used were some of the same words that are used in stereotypes.
The words such as violent, maniac, arrest and their favorite buzzword hood.
The same “hood” that they don’t mind going to get the latest fashion ideas from among other things.
I know the word “hood” is another subject matter all in itself that should will be unpacked for another day.
However, it needed to be said.
But back to the initial subject matter.
As a woman that grew up in a black household.
I was not taught to hate a person based on their skin color.
For some people that grow up in different type of black households with different mindsets and feel that certain black people should stop “begging” for white people’s approval.
I would implore you to give the same type of compassion to black people that is given to white people.
You know the compassion that sounds like:
They are not all the same.
Maybe they meant….such-and-such.
Look at the content of their character.
Everybody not raised the same.
You don’t know what they are dealing with at home.
I would ask certain black people to also look at the perspective that maybe certain types of black people are not “begging” but going through a culture shock.
I feel that even though you can live within a country, you can still experience culture shock within your own country.
As I stated before I grew up in a black household where we were not taught to hate someone based on their skin color.
So, of course when I encountered those who did hate based on skin color it was a culture shock for me.
It was even more confusing because it seemed the only day certain white people took off was on Martin Luther King’s day.
As I get older, I’ve even begun to question is MLK day really a day of observance for Martin Luther King or is it a day for certain white people to observe all the bullshit they do.
It’s almost like they use Martin Luther King as a freeze word to stop people from beating they ass or holding them accountable.
I know it’s something to it because if MLK day is on the third Monday you can almost guarantee that white folks will start some bullshit at midnight that following Tuesday.
Bruno Mars said it best, “Don’t believe me just watch.”
We not even gone get on the freeze tag quote they love to gaslight people with….. that is “content” for another day.
At, one point in time for me after going through a dangerous life situation, I had to learn how to apply the advice that was given to me about my own people towards those who were from an outside culture who attempted to cause harm towards me.
You know the advice such as:
If they hit, you hit they ass back.
Don’t let nobody make a fool out of you.
When a person shows you who they are believe them.
That last piece of advice was a little confusing because I was having a hard time understanding why is it when it came to my people I wasn’t supposed to play no games and hold them accountable however, when it came to certain types of white people I was supposed to forgive.
What part of the game is that?
I guess that is why I give the side eye to the phrase “We Are ALL One “not the Maze ft Frankie Beverly,” We Are One”.
I do not need the ol’ skool squad to come at me…You know that Tropical Delight crowd that’s always dressed to the nines; they don’t play about Frankie Beverly N Maze..love ya’ll but that is how the ol’skool pronounce it…lol..For the longest I thought the group only had three members..lol
But, back to the subject matter.
Even though dealing with certain people can sometimes feel like a maze,
I’m learning how to feel and know the difference.
I can definitely feel the difference when Frankie sings it, when he sings it you can feel it comes from a place called the heart.
Not everybody has that.
Another way that I can tell the difference is by how their songs brings people together AUTHENTICALLY.
I’ve also noticed and learned that people that truly believe in “ALL” don’t have to say it they SHOW IT through their everyday actions and not in a way that is antagonizing to others.
For that, I am grateful…
I guess H-Town said it best, “Emotions can make you cry….. sometimes.”
Written and Conceived By:
DaSh’e
1313
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When Did Defending Black Women Become Toxic?
One of the most interesting things that happens with national headlines is sometimes it trickles down into our everyday lives and gets conversations started.
I find it quite interesting how when Ms. Janet Hubert (affectionally known as Aunt Viv) was going through her trials and tribulations it was certain parts of society that saw nothing wrong with it.
Of course, since then amends have been made between Ms. Hubert and Will Smith.
However, I find it quite interesting how when Will Smith defended an melanated woman his wife Ms. Jada Pinkett-Smith all of sudden his name is being connected to toxic masculinity.
It’s also interesting how I never heard the phrase toxic masculinity connected to what happened to Emmett Till.
However, with all that being said, to me, the issue isn’t toxic masculinity.
It seems certain individuals’ stereotypical thinking is toxic.
It also seems like there is this underlying message that black women don’t deserve to be protected but if that type of statement was said publicly it would cause a backlash, so I’ve observed how certain individuals use situations like the Oscar’s as a cover to covertly express how they truly feel.
As I continue to get older, I realize that depending on your life experiences and mindset in the words of The Dramatics ”Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get”.
For me what I saw at the Oscars was how there were four different aspects of melanated males yet stereotypes were still at play.
There was Will Smith who reacted.
Chris Rock who did not react.
Yet, people still talked about them both.
Which goes to show that if a black male reacts, it’s an issue if a black male stays calm it’s still considered an issue.
I also saw Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry who in their own way showed compassion and a sense of brotherhood as far as providing solace to Will Smith.
Which to me showcased that there are melanated men who have a way of showing in action and deed how to let cooler heads prevail .
I also saw two men who came to another melanated mans aid to let him know he wasn’t alone.
It was interesting how much focus was put upon Will Smith after the slap and somehow suddenly he was supposed to carry the full mantle of black males worldwide.
To me, with some conversations, it seemed more like certain individual stereotypes of black men were coming to surface worldwide.
With one particular conversation I was having, I had to ask, is this really about Will Smith or is this really about your stereotypes or true feelings about how you feel about black males as a whole?
I must admit that was a lot to unpack.
As an 80s baby, I grew up watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-air.
I related to Will’s character a lot as far as moving in with family members and being blamed for things (lol).
However, that is a story for another time.
But back to the premise of this article, I grew up watching Fresh Prince of Belair, but as I got older and went through a couple of life experiences;
I realized how back in the day Will’s character on the Fresh Prince of Belair was uplifted and emulated while Carlton’s character was looked upon as whack and corny.
It wasn’t just Fresh Prince of Belair, though we had movies such
Class Act with Kid N’Play that kinda had that same narrative.
Remember Blade Brown?
I don’t why, but for some reason Blade Brown reminds me of Tariq Nasheed.
But anyway…
It’s kinda interesting how in this reality Will Smith’s image is somewhat like Carlton’s.
It’s makes me wonder, do males make fun of other males when they treat women with respect?
I’ve even noticed how, for certain types of males who don’t have a public image of disrespecting women, their sexuality is questioned.
While it seems like the meaner and more disrespectful, some males are towards women, the more respect they seem to get.
I’ve even observed how Tyler Perry is treated in a similar manner as Will Smith.
As I get older, I have a different perspective when I hear the gripes about Tyler Perry putting on a dress.
I wonder is it really about Tyler Perry wearing a dress or is it that Tyler Perry has a way of telling the stories of how some women have been treated by certain types of males.
It’s quite interesting how Tyler Perry’s wearing of a dress is controversial but when it comes to Big Momma’s House (Sherrrrrrrrrray) lol, Norbit, and Wanda (In Living Color) character it was in the word’s of De La Soul it was, “All Good”, but hey sometimes things don’t go like you think they should.
Which brings the question is the only time it’s okay to dress up like a black woman is when you are making fun of her?
Just a question.
Which kinda goes back to my original question:
When did defending a black woman become toxic?
But, as time goes on I’m understanding more and more (hey Joe) these lyrics:
“I don’t care about what you think you see
The things you want to know when you look at me
God knows I done been through and paid my dues
Can’t change how you feel, ’cause it’s all on you”.-Chaka Khan
Written and Conceived By:
DaSh’e
1313
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Is There A Incentive For Disrespecting Black Women?
As I continue to observe as well as interact with different people I’ve realized that every culture of women have something that they are sensitive about some cultures of women deal with aging some cultures of women deal with hair.
I’ve noticed for some reason it seems that when it comes to black women, our sensitivities are exploited.
As, a melanated woman I have to admit that the passing down of this thought process started early within my upbringing.
It’s almost as if I was being taught how to process my hair before being able to process the world.
I guess that is why when it comes to beautiful young girls such as Blue Ivy and the young lady from the H&M ads it brings up certain types of emotions.
You know emotions make you cry sometimes….somebody que in H-Town.
This type of behavior towards our young black girls did not just come up recently.
I remember back in the early 90s how this type of behavior was pushed upon a young Venus and Serena Williams.
It seems to still periodically come up with our young beautiful gymnasts Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas as well.
I’ve also noticed even when our beautiful athletes spice it up a bit with a little razzle dazzle there still seems to be a critique.
I’m saying all this to say that it is not a secret (and I’m not talking about Victoria) how black women are about our hair.
However, with all the documentaries made for profit about our hair I have yet to see a documentary that has an element of empathy.
A documentary that really get’s to the root.
The REAL ROOT that even though society talks about black women and weave we as a society have yet to get through the weeds in realizing that eventually those same young black girls whose hair we critique eventually grow up.
I feel that with the situation that happened at the Oscars concerning Jada Pinkett Smith brought up a lot of emotions that a lot of melanated women could relate to in our personal lives.
I remember at one point in my journey when I was in the church and I had gone “natural” I had cut my hair off to start (in my Mannie Fresh voice) Fr-Fr-Fresh.
During that time I was also in barber school so after school I decided to attend church to get a word.
Now, I don’t know if the passa /pastor couldn’t come up with a sermon that day or what.
However, I do know that somehow I became the subject of his sermon.
I thought I was coming to church to see what “Jesus” would do, but this pastor had other plans.
I am a woman that doesn’t mind taking accountability the signs were there the church sign literally said Shady Grove but hey you live and you learn.
But anywhoo, I came in the church with my barber jacket still on and the next thing I know this dude turned into Preacher Pauly.
The way his eyes turned colors I should have known to walk out then, but I just had to get a “word” so I sat down in the pew away from the pulpit.
The next thing I know he was like “see see that’s the problem” you got too many women’s trying to look like men’sssss (gotta add the extra ssss’s you know they dramatic as hell) so I’m looking around like I’m at the Black Awareness rally from Coming To America, cause it literally was a lady behind me yelling men’ssssss and amen at the same time.
I remember feeling a mixture of anger and embarrassment.
It was a part of me that was so angry I wanted to take the collection plate for myself since I was part of the sermon.
However, Sista Odell was working the usher board that day and I didn’t think I could take her.
So, I just sat there.
Mad as hell.
Preacher Pauly had a good ol time whooping and coughing and shit making a whole sermon about a woman’s hair.
I’m pretty sure “Jesus” didn’t have anything to do with that sermon at least it didn’t feel like that was something he would do.
Hey, it might just be a consciousness though right?
But anyway, the feeling of just sitting there looking at the pulpit was like a pit it was very off-putting.
Preacher Pauly was standing behind a podium among other things just going in I didn’t know if I was in church or on a Def Comedy Jam episode.
It is just something about a person as James Brown would say,” Talking Loud and Saying Nothing”, that does something to you.
To me I just felt that before publicly assuming something about how a woman adorns herself, why not ask for clarity starting within yourself first.
In hindsight, I guess when your intentions aren’t right in the first place why would that person ask for clarity, anyway.
Which goes back to the question is there an incentive for disrespecting black women?
If so, my next question would be….. (in my T.I. voice)
Is ya happy?
Written and Conceived By:
DaSh’e
1313
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It’s A New Dawn and A New Day Are You Feeling Good?
The Honorable
There seems to be a new change on the horizon.
One of the great things that I appreciate about the media is that when certain situations take place it sets the ball rolling for certain conversations to come to the surface.
Some of these conversations have certainly been a long time coming.
It seems as if there is the beginning of different melanated men from different backgrounds and mindsets coming to the forefront.
I am definitely here for it…lol.
I feel that there has been a need for more diversity within the diversity.
You might say Ms. DaSh’e (if ya nasty..lol) what do you mean?
Well, in my opinion when there is only three, maybe four at the most of black males speaking on certain subject matters it can create a false narrative that ALL black males think in the same manner.
As I continue to grow and heal, it opens up the avenue for me to continue to meet amazing melanated men who show me in their actions and deeds and conversations that all black males do not think the same.
Insert Cory Booker and the interaction between him and the Honorable Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson.
I have to admit it was wonderful to see and hear Cory Booker’s words however as I continue to ponder I can’t help but wonder if perhaps it was more of an awakening for him than her.
She lived it.
It was also interesting to see the many pictures of her crying and by the way still looking fabulous.
I’m sure those tears had many meanings and memories of the many things she has had and still endures while being in her chosen career field.
In some aspects it seemed somewhat sinister though.
As if some were actually salivating at seeing a melanated woman cry.
In some aspects, it seemed as if that was the underlying goal.
However, as Ms. Maya Angelou said it best “Still I Rise”.
In her own way the Honorable Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson embodies that.
Written and conceived by:
-DaSh’e
1313
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This blog post series is another aspect of my writing series from my best-selling book, “Sista, Watch For The Hook ” available for purchase on Amazon.
This series came about as a deep passion to get an important message out that will be heard- a message that will get to the next generation.
This blog post is here to enrich melanated women’s lives to help them see and know their highest potential and beyond as well as to let them know the amazing impact that they bring to this world.
This blog post series will:
- Leave a POSITIVE LOVING imprint on melanated women’s lives.
- Bring transformation to and for the most highest intentioned good.
- Celebration of melanted women.
- Celebration of the DIVINE nature of melanated women and the many attributes they bring to this realm.
- Having those hard topic discussions that will lead to individual healing that will ultimately lead to our collective conscious healing.
- Leaving a positive infrastructure and positive imprint for the next generation to build upon and make better.
It WILL BE DONE…..
Let’s Reintroduce Ourselves
1313
AMMHPJWN
SISTA, WATCH FOR THE HOOK 